Without this, a man I cannot be...

Dearest Diary,

It has come to my attention recently that it isn’t a body’s manly chest shrubbery that truly inspires the fairer sex to take notice of him, but it is actually his possessions which ignite the flame of passions within a woman.

Taking inventory of the valued possessions in my life I noticed a glaring hole and decided that it was time that hole was filled. Before I get on with the item I simply must have in order to obtain the true state of man, worthy of a beautiful counterpart to adorn my arm, I shall share with you the brief inventory of things that are dear to me but not quite enough to garner the complete attention of my desired:

• 1.) You, Dear Diary – While you have long been my sole soul companion, your loving pages are simply not enough to get me through every long and lonely night. Unlike me, you must remain unknown to woman, else every woman in the land would know my deepest desires and insecurities and have an unabated path to my fragile psyche. Alas, my psyche is devoted to one.
• 2.) Roxy – My wonderful chinchilla, there during good times and bad, always something soft to touch when the day has been rough. Surely my beloved will find the beauty in Roxy and my ability to take such good care of a most delicate creature will not be lost upon her.
• 3.) 32 function Swiss Army knife – such a manly tool, able to cut through almost any substance encountered in a swift and glorious fashion. This tool also allows me to remove annoying bits of food from my gums (I maybe should offer one to Lady Lennox as a gift next Christmas) so that the smiles I cast in my love’s direction are not marred by the day’s masticating. I am also able to remove splinters from my fingers so that they remain soft and smooth, and oh so ready to touch her ample body. The list of your usefulness and appeal to a woman is endless (The Swiss are so crafty).

Alas dear diary, these possessions are simply not enough to thoroughly impress the woman of my dreams. After much thought and consideration I realized the one thing that I simply must have if I am to secure the passions of this lady; a horse of my own. How can a man be considered a man if he constantly must ask permission from his father to borrow one of his stable? He can’t, dear diary! And that is clearly why I am still unknown to woman.

I have discussed this with father and at first he was against the idea, but after several hours of non-stop begging, he finally agreed, with conditions. Damn the conditions! Rather than agreeing to buy me the young, beautiful, shiny, red coated Ferrari from the Enzo Farms, father said he’d rather I have a mature, previously ridden Mustang from Henry Ford’s Stables. Apparently father purchases all of his dull horses from the Ford Family, stating that Enzo horses are far too flashy for our tastes.

So, within the week I shall have what must be the final key to unlocking the mystery of woman, my new horse…whatever shall I name her? It matters not, what really matters is that my love will finally notice and recognize me for the man I am.

Until next time,

Y.P.M.