Without this, a man I cannot be...

Dearest Diary,

It has come to my attention recently that it isn’t a body’s manly chest shrubbery that truly inspires the fairer sex to take notice of him, but it is actually his possessions which ignite the flame of passions within a woman.

Taking inventory of the valued possessions in my life I noticed a glaring hole and decided that it was time that hole was filled. Before I get on with the item I simply must have in order to obtain the true state of man, worthy of a beautiful counterpart to adorn my arm, I shall share with you the brief inventory of things that are dear to me but not quite enough to garner the complete attention of my desired:

• 1.) You, Dear Diary – While you have long been my sole soul companion, your loving pages are simply not enough to get me through every long and lonely night. Unlike me, you must remain unknown to woman, else every woman in the land would know my deepest desires and insecurities and have an unabated path to my fragile psyche. Alas, my psyche is devoted to one.
• 2.) Roxy – My wonderful chinchilla, there during good times and bad, always something soft to touch when the day has been rough. Surely my beloved will find the beauty in Roxy and my ability to take such good care of a most delicate creature will not be lost upon her.
• 3.) 32 function Swiss Army knife – such a manly tool, able to cut through almost any substance encountered in a swift and glorious fashion. This tool also allows me to remove annoying bits of food from my gums (I maybe should offer one to Lady Lennox as a gift next Christmas) so that the smiles I cast in my love’s direction are not marred by the day’s masticating. I am also able to remove splinters from my fingers so that they remain soft and smooth, and oh so ready to touch her ample body. The list of your usefulness and appeal to a woman is endless (The Swiss are so crafty).

Alas dear diary, these possessions are simply not enough to thoroughly impress the woman of my dreams. After much thought and consideration I realized the one thing that I simply must have if I am to secure the passions of this lady; a horse of my own. How can a man be considered a man if he constantly must ask permission from his father to borrow one of his stable? He can’t, dear diary! And that is clearly why I am still unknown to woman.

I have discussed this with father and at first he was against the idea, but after several hours of non-stop begging, he finally agreed, with conditions. Damn the conditions! Rather than agreeing to buy me the young, beautiful, shiny, red coated Ferrari from the Enzo Farms, father said he’d rather I have a mature, previously ridden Mustang from Henry Ford’s Stables. Apparently father purchases all of his dull horses from the Ford Family, stating that Enzo horses are far too flashy for our tastes.

So, within the week I shall have what must be the final key to unlocking the mystery of woman, my new horse…whatever shall I name her? It matters not, what really matters is that my love will finally notice and recognize me for the man I am.

Until next time,

Y.P.M.

Wonderous Discovery!

Oh Diary, I am glad that I am alone with you at this moment, for the sheer glee in my heart cannot be contained and would be enough to knock any mortal to his or her knees if they were in my presence now (maybe this would be a useful feeling to harness for future use?).

Today I have made a wondrous discovery! It started as one of those mornings where I could not shake the downy sleep from my princely eyes but finally managed to drag myself out of my bed and to my washing chamber. I probably would have been able to sleep another 4 to 6 hours but the agonizing pressure on my bladder prohibited this. I must limit myself to one glass of Kool-Aid before bed in the future, else I be damned to a mere 11 hours of sleep each night.

Once I had finished my morning cleansing I set out upon the time intensive daily task of checking myself for ticks and other fine parasites. My saintly mother instilled upon me the importance of such a task. She once said that a person in my position will eventually find himself surrounded by thirsty bloodsucking things such as these and I must do everything in my power to keep them at bay.

Just a few minutes into my search, after my soft hands had maneuvered their way through my silky locks atop my boyishly small pate, down my neck and around my shoulders, they made their way to my chest where something felt out of the ordinary. It was a small thing, and at first I thought I had found the tail end of some dastardly nematode, but as my fingers probed it I realized it was slightly more stiff than any roundworm should be. Normally, I would just look down to see what sort of foul best was intruding upon my heavenly body, but this particular monster had burrowed itself just out of sight, in that blind-spot created by my chiseled chin.

Quickly, I rushed to my mirror (I love how my delicate feet nestle comfortably into those two foot shaped worn spots in the floor right in front of it) and leaned in close to get a good look at this freeloading forager. At first I didn't believe my eyes, surely this was another dream and that talking Narwahl would burst forth from the closet singing some wonderful show tune, but after a horrific pinch to my arm, the pain confirmed I was indeed awake and this was real.

Oh diary, I know you are just mad to learn what it is that is proudly protruding from my prolific pectoral. Let me tell you dear one, it is my first chest hair!!! Yes, can you believe it? With this discovery I am surely on my way to becoming the dignified man that you and I both know I am destined to be. But what is more important, is that I know soon Lady McD will realize my manly state and come calling for me.

I know that now I only have one manly follicle (whom I've decided to name Frederick), but soon his brethren will join him in great numbers and their ranks will fill in my chest and flourish in a hairy undergrowth to rival the dense coverage of Burnham Wood. As my manly bush begins to grow and protrude loudly from my tunic, every woman within 100 kilometers should find herself pining for me, but mine and Frederick's hearts are true and belong to only one. She shall finally be ours and we shall no longer be unknown to woman.

Fear not yet diary, for my newly beloved Frederick is not a coarse rough thing as you might expect. While he is strong and does easily issue a proclamation of my manliness, he is quite soft to the touch, softer than the smooth fur of my beloved chinchilla, Roxy. So I shall be able to maintain my angelic presence even with the introduction of this testosterone proclaiming discovery.

Well my dearest and sweetest friend, all of the excitement this morning, paired with my less than ideal amount of sleep last night has tired me beyond belief. I believe I shall go and rest my gentle head for a time before lunch. Frederick and I shall curl up together, sleep, and then dream and sing beautiful songs with that handsome Narwhal. At least until our grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches are done (oh, I must remember to request that chef prepare an extra sandwich for Frederick).

Lovingly yours forever,

Malcolm