Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Never.Again.

Oh DIARY.

I will never, ever, EVER eat JuJubes AGAIN.

I know. They were once a favorite. I used to love to put them on ice and then spit them like hard sugary pebbles at the pigeons outside the kitchen.

But NO MORE.

For just moments ago, as if this week could get ANY worse...what with the passing of dear Frederick...I was chewing on those delicious lumps of gummy goodness when I passed Young Siward in the hall. I was positively alive with excitement, for I had been rehearsing my Barb Of Epic Wit and Deviousness in front of the mirror the entire evening previous. Was I ever ready! There he was! Strutting about in his fancy pants, and fancy vest, with his fancy man-pistol. UGH. It was all I could do not to vomit all over his silly,shiny, (and cheap!) loafers. My only consolation was the fact that I was about to make him so enraged and shamed that he would likely peel off his own face rather than be recognized as Young Siward a moment longer!

As we met, I slowed my steps and turned a cunning eye to address him. But as I was trying to speak, I realized, I could not open my jaw! Those dastardly JuJubes and their unnatural penchant for hardening into fruity stones in one's mouth had practically glued my teeth together!

Oh, Diary! You cannot begin to imagine the frustration I felt. The manly levels of super testosteroniffic rage as Young Siward stood over me and watched me struggle! At first he looked quizzical, but then he just kicked me in the knee caps and laughed like the brutish English dog he is. To simply stand there and watch as a young, handsome, soft-skinned prince struggles to speak and do nothing? Truly he is a disgrace to the name Siward. As if they needed any help disgracing themselves.

I will say that with my mouth held shut by JuJuGlue, my sense of smell was heightened and Young Siward gave off a delightfully mannish scent that I'm sure must be how he woos the ladies.

Note to self: Raid Young Siward's toiletry bag to discover it's origins!

Yours ever,

Y.P.M.

1 comment:

I Fought Piranhas said...

testosteroniffic - favorite.word.ever.