Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Tragedy

Oh Diary!
Will the tragic hand of fate never cease to fall upon me! Horror of horrors, Diary...I have lost Frederick. Alas, My copious tears of sorrow have rendered a portion of your page unusable! Is my life forever doomed to misfortune on an epic scale!? I must continue and write around the manifest puddle of sadness.

Diary, I decided to bathe and washed Frederick with the greatest care and
concern. He was so young and innocent, yet bold and warrior-like not
unlike myself. I used my special blueberry
scented shampoo (as I have a belief that
blueberry is the berry of love) to tenderly
wash Frederick of the days' taint. I brushed him
ever so gently, and dried him with a tissue. ALAS!
Diary, I have an unfortunate Pavlovian reaction to tissues!
I sneezed on impulse...and...and...Diary, Frederick was from my chest...
Untimely ripp'd!

Oh, Frederick! I had pulled him out by the very root!
All my manly hair in one fell swoop!
I shrieked in terror, but father had no sympathy for my
great distress. He covered his face and cried, which at first I thought
was on my behalf, but he began to weep for sending DonalBORING away. I suspect it was because the loss of my dear Frederick reminded him of his long-departed son. I was to receive no consolation from father, so I decided that Frederick must have a proper burial.

Frederick died a Christian under the law, but was a creature of warfare, not of peace; a manly creature. I thought it fitting to send him off in the way befitting his noble nature. I constructed a pyre of twigs and leaves. Cook let me have some wood chips along with a snickerdoodle, the consummation of which did little to lift my spirits. I dressed Frederick in the finest cloth and placed him on the pyre with all his worldly possessions (a dollop of Dapper Dan pomade, a pair of grooming shears, and his pajamas I had fashioned from an old sock.) I laid him on the pyre and lit the match, sending him off to whatever future awaited such a worthy creature.

I went inside and devoured snickerdoodles until my tummy ached from their delicious, cinnamony goodness.

Diary, I must repose before I can give any more thoughts to my revenge.

Loves,

Y.P.M.

2 comments:

I Fought Piranhas said...

unfortunately, the html didn't quite preserve the wonderful attempt at avoiding my tear-stained pages.

Alyssa Jackson said...

I'm crying as well over here. Very very hard. Poor, dear, not long for this world Frederick.